Opting Out of Christmas 2.0
Tomorrow is Christmas Day. But it doesn’t feel like Christmas. The joy of the holiday season I once felt isn’t there anymore, for multiple reasons. So this year, I am once again opting out of Christmas.
This Christmas Feels Different
When I opted out of Christmas in 2021, I mentioned how, in previous years, I’d felt obligated to spend money. And giving gifts is how I show love to people, so I happily obliged. I put hundreds of dollars on credit cards to try and go above and beyond for people in my life. By the time I’d started paying down the debt, the holidays were approaching once again, and the cycle continued.
In 2021, I decided to try to break that cycle. Exhausted, I didn’t have the energy to go all out. So I bought or made gifts for fewer people and did a decent enough job of not overspending. We focused on “Presence, not presents.” But still, the anxiety of not delivering to everyone in my life lingered. If things were different, I’d gladly shower the people I love and cherish with gifts.
In 2022, I had a little more funds, and the economy wasn’t in complete shambles yet. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t like it is now. So, last year, I participated in Christmas a little more. Still, the anxiety remained. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. And at the last minute, I splurged and spent extra money I didn’t have, yet again.
This year feels different. This year, I’m so burned out, broke, and exhausted at the world that I just don’t care. It has never felt less like “the most wonderful season of all” in my life.
Burnout
My burnout progressed rapidly over these years. Between caregiver fatigue, getting sick a lot, barely making ends meet, and lacking the motivation and inspiration to work on the things I love, exhaustion is an understatement. I’ve been running on empty for a while and didn’t realize it until recently. Yet I keep pushing. There are obligations and responsibilities I must keep up with. And still, I’ve failed a lot this year at following through on much of that.
With the metaphor of juggling a bunch of spheres, some glass and some plastic, I’ve dropped many this year. As my mental health worsened and priorities stacked, my endurance diminished.
Those outside looking in don’t see the glass shards scattered around me, cutting me deep and bleeding me dry. They don’t see the things I needed and intended to do this year that didn’t happen. I have articles left unfinished or unwritten, interviews never done, art never created, and steps of growth never taken. The energy evaded me, and months slipped by in a flash. I’m barely keeping my head above water, which doesn’t feel like water; it feels like mud.
In May, I told myself I’d get a head start making art for Christmas. I planned to paint rocks with everyone’s favorite animal on them. I intended to make drawings and other things for people, like goodie bags of seeds from my garden. And yet, it’s Christmas Eve, and I haven’t made a single piece of artwork in the seven months since I set the goal. I didn’t make anything for anyone.
Yet, as the holidays approached and I felt anxious about not following through on my desire to show love during the holidays, I became so tired that the blade of apathy resulting from burnout immediately cut down that anxiety.
The Economy
I couldn’t afford anything if I wanted to. Except for a small handful of close family and friends, I didn’t get gifts for people this year. Most of the gifts I’ve prepared are pieces of artwork that I sell and have stock in reserve or some of the stickers that I sell through the magazine. The gifts I bought were tiny, most bought from local vendors at the events I’ve worked at. I’ve spent maybe $100 in all. Which doesn’t sound like much, but I also didn’t have that to begin with.
The money just isn’t there. With things so expensive, buying everyone even a modest gift instead of the meager ones I barely afforded would’ve put me hundreds of dollars in debt.
My friend Sarah shared in her recent article about people telling her to “pull herself up by the bootstraps” while unable to afford food or Christmas. When it comes down to putting food on the table and buying gifts, food is more important. But she can’t even afford food, let alone gifts for her children. It’s just as important to ensure children aren’t feeling the full burden of living in such terrible economic conditions. Not the way adults do. For them, we try to make things merry and bright, even if we ourselves feel a lack of joy and things generally feel dark. We try to find the magic we once felt not so long ago.
It’s getting harder every year to find that magic, though, as we’re continually priced out of it.
Everyone is Struggling
Honestly, it just doesn’t feel like the holidays or Christmas, let alone “wonderful.” Not when everyone I know is struggling, from my personal relationships to my community and beyond. No one can afford rent, utilities, food, and other groceries. Rents are still rising, as are food costs and everything else. Yet our wages remain the same as always. Even with the minuscule incremental wage increases in our state, it hasn’t followed the rate of increase with everything else.
Here in Nevada, we just learned that Nevada Energy will raise our electricity rates again. Merry fucking Christmas to us, right?
Yet, I hear that this year’s Black Friday was a “success” for retailers. And places like Walmart and other grocery stores are also seeing the money roll in. Record amounts of money spent by consumers and record profits recorded by corporations. Makes you wonder how much of this has legitimately been more people shopping as opposed to the fact that everything is so damn expensive because of price gouging and inflation that, by default, those records were broken.
People still have to buy food and still feel pressured to buy everyone something nice for the holidays. There will always be a desire to create joy, which is commendable. But it’s also sad knowing how many people will further struggle as a result of spending money they don’t have this holiday season. In part, it’s because most people want to make things joyful for others, but it’s also part of the hamster wheel of capitalism, making us run circles over and over again with less money each year.
Business as Usual
To see commercials for brand new cars and jewelry and every other expensive luxury thrown at us, on top of encouraging us to get more lines of credit to pay for those things, all to entice us to buy expensive things for the people we love this holiday season, it just makes me sick now. Because in this society, spending lots of money on lots of stuff is the only way we’re taught to show love or be merry.
This is just anecdotal, of course, but many of the people I’ve spoken with recently have said their Christmas tree is more empty underneath than ever. That is if they have anything under there at all or even a tree. Some said they were only able to get one thing for everyone or just one thing for a select few. In doing so, they shared guilt over picking and choosing who they cared about enough to get gifts for.
I’ve spoken with parents who are foregoing meals to ensure their children and pets are still eating well enough. As Sarah mentioned, she is one of them. Feeding a family of seven in this economy is nearly impossible before you consider affording Christmas. On top of this, many people face homelessness this winter as rents rise and people can’t afford housing anymore. Many of our houseless neighbors have jobs but no housing because rent is more than they make.
Yet, while people struggle, we’re told that the economy is great and that we must act in a business-as-usual mentality. And I think a LOT of people are beginning to question that push.
How Can I Celebrate At a Time Like This?
On top of the burnout, finances, and lack of joy at knowing people are struggling right now, the biggest factor in my apathy for Christmas this year is the ongoing genocide in Gaza.
How can I celebrate or feel merry knowing children and innocent people are being slaughtered? While we open presents tomorrow and gather around the table with loved ones to enjoy a meal, the Israeli government will still be relentlessly killing people.
In the brief moments of “Oh shit, I didn’t get much of anything for anyone this year,” those worries are immediately replaced by thinking, “I’m so lucky for that to be one of my *only* problems in life right now.” Sure, I’m struggling, but I am sitting at home, safe and warm, in my bed in my quiet room on my computer. Tomorrow, I get to see my family and eat good food.
But in Gaza, people are dying and starving from being bombed and lacking water, medicine, and shelter. They have nowhere safe or warm to go in another night of relentless bombing all around them. Many are mourning the loss of their families, of which some are the only surviving members.
Children there aren’t worried about whether Santa is bringing them toys in the morning; they’re wondering if they will even make it through the night to see the sun rise again. As I write this, it’s 6 AM there. The sun rises on Christmas Day in Gaza, but no one is celebrating. The adults might try to make things light for the children to distract from their suffering, but with so many injured and mourning unimaginable trauma and loss, living another day is as close to a “gift” as they might get. Because at any moment, it could be their last.
The Duality of Struggle and Suffering This Holiday Season
I am at home, safe and sound, warm and fed. I am so lucky and privileged. To not be able to afford Christmas presents but still have food and shelter feels like such a first-world problem right now. Which in itself probably says something about the state of things.
“First world problems” usually used to involve relatively insignificant things that we made fun of, like having your order made wrong at a fast food restaurant or your phone running out of battery while at work with no way to charge it until you get to your car after your shift. But lately, with how things have been going, and our “first world” economy is degrading, it really does show the shift in the quality of life we have here in America. We are a dumpster fire with a Gucci belt.
But again, while we are struggling economically here in the States, it is nothing to the struggle of fighting for your life every second of every day, facing starvation, genocide, and brutal oppression.
That said, this is not to make light of anyone’s struggle, big or “small.” Rather, I mean to point to the fact that we’re being told that we’re lucky to live in such a “great” country while millions of Americans are homeless and or starving, too. All while our government is sending billions of dollars to Israel to fund a genocide, they have just passed an almost $1 trillion defense bill and are using our tax dollars to slaughter innocent people in the name of said “defense.”
To add insult to injury, our elected officials actively supporting a genocide have the fucking audacity to ask us to donate to their campaigns and support them for next year’s elections. They make six figures a year on our dime, plus millions of dollars from lobbyists and special interest groups while we are struggling to make ends meet, but they want us to give them money. It’s so enraging and laughable it makes me feel insane just thinking about it.
Christmas Day
It’s unnerving right now to think that tomorrow, people will be expected to joyfully celebrate Christmas while we’re funding a genocide. Or that some Christians will be celebrating Jesus’s birth while the place of his birth is being bombed. I’m not religious, but even the thought of that sickens me.
I am not alone in this sentiment. A church in Bethlehem made a nativity scene with baby Jesus draped in a keffiyeh, laying atop a pile of rubble in a haunting display of reality for those in Gaza right now this Christmas. That same church and others have called for Christmas to be canceled.
While I will be with family and opening presents tomorrow, I am not and will not be in a celebratory mood. I almost feel as if I am going to spend time with my family out of obligation at this point. I want to see them and have a good time, but I know my heart just isn’t in it. The joy isn’t there, so it’s like putting on a mask more than anything.
I am still attempting to focus on “Presence, not Presents” this year, which is why I will be with family who are celebrating the holiday. But even being present feels exhausting for me. I would have entirely opted out of Christmas this year if I could. I wouldn’t have bought a single thing. If it weren’t for my family wanting to get together, I would gladly stay home and treat tomorrow like any other day of the year. If it weren’t for the fact that I need to eat in order to take my daily medication and not make myself sick from lack of food, which I am easily susceptible to, I would be joining the call to fast tomorrow in solidarity with Palestine.
That said, if you are in a position to fast and are willing, make sure to check out this advice that Fifth Sun Project shared about how to prepare to fast for tomorrow and how to get through the day without eating. If you are unable to fast, you can also participate by not eating out or spending any money tomorrow.
Finding Hope in the Dark
This Christmas, it’s important that we understand that this is not “Christmas as usual” and shouldn’t feel the need to keep up the facade just for the sake of tradition or expectations.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to enjoy yourself tomorrow or feel the holiday spirit, especially if you have kids in your life or need that to get through the holidays for your own sake. I don’t mean to make anyone feel guilty. And I’m not saying that hope is not there.
In spite of how I feel this Christmas or about the state of the world, hope always remains. Because without hope, there is no point, no purpose.
Hope inspires us to keep fighting for a better life and a better world for ourselves and others. It’s hope that gets us up every day to try to make the most of it. And it’s hope that inspires us to dream about a world where there is no war and no suffering. Where our needs are met, people are cared for, and things are just and equitable.
What is to Come?
In the last couple of months, I have watched unspeakable evil take place. I have heard the stories of people struggling in ways I cannot even comprehend, yet whose experiences I feel compassion and empathy for. But I have also watched people rise together to fight for what’s right. I feel a change unfolding that I don’t yet fully understand, but I feel it in my bones.
I fear things will get worse before they get better. But I feel we are closer to that pivotal change coming than ever before. I don’t know what that will look like or how things will play out. I just know that people are at their breaking point. They’re sick and tired of the way things are and want things to be better. They know we all deserve better and that we can do better. I believe that there is more to life than this and that we don’t have to accept that this is the way things are. And I think more people are coming together to fight for one another more than ever before.
I think a veil has been lifted for a lot of people recently, especially this holiday season, and as a result of watching a genocide unfold on live television for almost three months now. People are realizing now more than ever the state of things and the reality of the world. And they’re realizing how much is interconnected, from the issues we face to our very humanity.
That alone gives me hope that while the worst may be yet to come, the best to come will then follow in ways we can only dream of right now.
Next Christmas
It is my hope that before next Christmas, things will be different. That in a year’s time, we will get our shit together as a society, take steps to turn things around, and stand up and say no more. And that we will stand together, fight for each other, lift each other up in love and prosperity, and reject the greed, corruption, and bloodthirstiness of our leaders.
Maybe that’s an empty, pointless hope or a dream too big to attain. But the alternative to not having that hope is to give in without a fight, allow things to worsen without recourse, and turn away from people’s suffering. I don’t know how much more people can handle, whether it’s the struggles and suffering we face here at home or the suffering we’re witnessing on the other side of the world. But I have a feeling that most people are not going to give in without a fight. And once we truly hit that breaking point, I think we’re going to see something we have never seen before.
To me, that would be a true Christmas miracle. All I really want for Christmas is for things to be better. And I don’t think that should be too much to ask for.
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