Neurodivergence

The word ‘neurodivergence’ and ‘neurodivergent’ has come up a lot recently. What does it mean though?

Essentially, it’s described as an approach to learning and disability that argues diverse neurological conditions result from normal variations in the human genome. From there, the notion grows that the neurotypical world shouldn’t try to cure neurodivergence because there’s nothing to “cure.” Rather, it’s the idea to accept the human brain’s diversity and its infinite number of ways of thinking, socializing, doing, and being.

It acknowledges the beautiful spectrum of all the conditions that make people’s brains and personalities so unique; room exists for all different types of brains and people, not just neurotypicals.

And it’s a matter of moving past notions of “normal.” To be neurodivergent is not “abnormal” or any other negative connotation or stigma put on people with different mental health conditions.

An understanding of neurodivergence is an acceptance of the natural diversity in neurology. We don’t all think and act the same, and that’s okay!

Coming to terms with that is a journey for anyone, especially when discovering you’re neurodivergent too!

Without having the word for it, I’ve always had a sense of understanding that my brain operated MUCH differently than other people. I’ve been on a journey of understanding my entire life, but much more consciously in recent years. Learning about the word and meaning of neurodivergence helped me to understand that there’s nothing wrong with me; I’m just built differently than others. And that’s awesome when I think about it.

My Neurodivergent Journey

Over the past year, in particular, I’ve learned a lot about myself on a much more personal level and started coming to terms with my own neurodivergence in a neurotypical world. And I’ve become more comfortable in my own headspace. I spent much of 2020 focusing on my mental health and understanding of myself better as a person. 

I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety, plus some compulsive habits, since at least middle school. It’s been an ongoing struggle that I’m constantly working on managing. Most of the time, I manage it relatively well, but it still comes and goes, as does my management ability. 

In 2019, I noticed an increase in more severe depression periods. Usually, I could catch it when it happened, but for a while there, they hit me like a train with no warning. My anxiety also worsened over time, affected by several things, from everything going on in the world to work and school, all while managing this magazine. The methods I normally used to cope with everything became less effective. 

Before the pandemic, while I still had health insurance, I decided to speak to a mental health professional. I went to a therapist to talk about and learn how to better respond to the things factoring into my mental health. She also helped me understand myself and my personality better. (Though, she tried to relate many things to God and religion, which didn’t resonate with me and wasn’t much help there.) 

Nonetheless, it was nice having someone to talk to, especially during those uncertain and scary days of the early pandemic. She helped provide me a better perspective on things and gave me some tools to rebalance myself. I credit much of my ability to stay grounded and manage my mental health without having a breakdown of some kind during the pandemic to her and our sessions. Once I turned 26, though, my insurance kicked me off, and my sessions ended. Since then, I’ve had to manage on my own and continue my journey of self-understanding. 

Exploring New Paths of My Brain

Over the summer, I started learning even more about myself and my own level of neurodivergence after coming across different threads of people diagnosed with ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder/Aspergers, sharing their experiences and symptoms of these diagnoses. The more I read, things started to suddenly click into place. 

I researched adult ADHD and ASD more and found that most of what medical professionals and other people described resonated very strongly with me. Things I did as a kid, like obsessively hyper-fixating on things, and things I do as an adult now, like having immense difficulty concentrating on anything I do or remembering things. And, things I’ve always done, like feeling socially awkward and having difficulty communicating verbally or processing auditory messages, and having an endless number of thoughts going through my head. Just to name a few things.

I also learned that ADHD and ASD share an overlap of symptoms between the two; a lot of people with one receive a diagnosis of the other. It is important to mention that these two disorders are still distinctly different conditions, and there are some symptoms that one condition has that the other typically does not. Still, “a 2014 review of studies looking at the co-occurrence of ADHD and ASD, researchers found that between 30 to 50% of people with ASD also have symptoms of ADHD,” [Healthline, 2019].

From everything I’ve read over the past six months, I’m convinced it’s the answer to the questions I always asked myself all these years about my thought process, how I act, and how I am.

Things that I couldn’t seem to do or stop doing no matter how hard I tried. Behaviors that I’ve always had difficulty breaking despite my awareness of them. Having task paralysis with nearly anything and everything, despite desperately wanting to “do the thing.” Tasks that come easy to most other people, like concentrating on work, not getting distracted, staying on topic when talking, not needing constant stimulation, having a high executive function, and so on. 

After taking several online ADHD and ASD quizzes, they all came back with a “most likely” result. I don’t mean to self-diagnose, but I feel like a textbook case of these conditions from everything I’ve read. Talking with other people who’ve actually been diagnosed, my feelings have been confirmed; validated.

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Moving Forward

One day I might get the opportunity to get an actual diagnosis and possibly even some medication for it, especially for ADHD. But until then, I feel that the evidence of me having either or both of these conditions stacks up and just makes sense to me overall. I feel like I’ve finally come to an understanding with myself. 

Reading about other people’s experiences, I relate to so much of what they share. It was like a light going off in my head; suddenly, so much about myself made sense. From childhood to adulthood, the way I thought and acted finally had an explanation. Accepting that I’m neurodivergent has been an eye-opening experience. It’s like giving my brain a hug that I didn’t know it needed for the first time in my life. 

Understanding my neurodivergence better brings me some relief. But it’s also a little intimidating. Now that I know what’s happening in my brain and am equipped with better tools to work with it, I’m obligated to act on it; to be mindful of myself and my actions and work on managing myself better. 

It’s not easy. But, it’s easier to manage now that I know more about it. 

Not having insurance means I have to rely on other methods of mitigating my symptoms. I’ve never been one for prescriptions anyway, unless necessary, so it was more a matter of finding other remedies. A lot of that ties into my own self-discipline, which needs major improvement too. So I’m working on managing that, along with my mental health, everything else I manage, and life in general – simultaneously. 

A Juggling Act

Being aware of my neurodivergence and why I am this way means I must work harder on my self-control, time-management, and accountability. There are good days and bad days. Sometimes I’m hyper-aware of how I am being, and from there, I sometimes respond to it, and other times I feel paralyzed and unable to.

And sometimes I’m oblivious to how I am being, where unless someone points it out to me or reminds me of something, there’s a chance I won’t realize what I’m doing or will be oblivious to what’s going on. 

Every day is a new day, though, with new opportunities to learn about myself and form productive, healthy habits. In the midst of multiple crises globally, I have to remind myself not to be too hard on myself.

There’s a difference between making excuses and feeling weighed down by everything to a point where you really can’t do much. As long as I’m not excusing myself from developing the behavior I want to improve on, I can afford bad days between the good. 

Managing in the Midst of Chaos

Recently, I’ve been more on top of myself and the constructive habits I want to build – like eating breakfast, drinking more water, and taking vitamins. I’ve noticed a significant improvement in my productivity and mental health management. Rather than random days with bursts of energy, I’ve had more consistency in being on top of myself. Because of that, I’ve allowed myself to have some leeway this past week. 

Specifically, watching the fallout from the winter storms in Texas caused a mix of depression with my climate change anxiety. So, I’ve given myself time this week to take a break.

I haven’t done a lot of work, but I’ve been reading and cleaning and giving myself time to rest. After a few days, my energy returned, and I jumped back into things easier than in the past—a noticeable improvement. Before, a depressive period could disrupt me for weeks, limiting the amount of energy available to do things.

This gives me hope that I’ve managed to find myself in a good balance of things. Of course, this doesn’t mean I can slack off. A balance must be kept up; it must be maintained. If you’re not taking care of yourself consistently, it’s harder to recover from things that require more of your energy.

Managing My Brain Garden

The idea of this balance can be related to an analogy about managing mental health that really sticks with me.

Just because your plants perk up when you water them doesn’t mean you no longer need to care for them. You have to keep at it. At some point, water alone won’t help them, you need nutrients and sunlight. And, if you don’t water them enough, they wilt and wither.

What I’m saying is that self-care and self-management is a full-time gig. It’s ongoing all the time, factored in by every action you take and every decision you make.

Your brain is like a garden. To me, neurodivergence is like growing a multitude of different plants and flowers; you can’t treat everything going on in your brain the same way – they’re not the same.

What works for depression and anxiety won’t necessarily work for ADHD or ASD. But these conditions can co-exist together if I know how to tend to each “plant” or characteristic of how my brain functions.

Awareness of these things, what triggers them, and what mitigates them makes all the difference in managing them together. 

So, I’m thinking of myself, my brain, and my body as a garden; I will tend and care for myself and all the different parts of me, just as I would an actual garden.

That includes providing nutrients to myself; making sure I get enough water, sunlight, and fresh air; having a strong root system; and giving myself the love, attention, and room I need to grow.

I want my garden to be beautiful and healthy, and I am the only one who can do it. Then and only then can I really bloom.

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