Love Languages
No matter the relationship – romantic, platonic, or familial – it’s essential to learn people’s love languages. This way, we know how to speak that language to them and learn how we receive love ourselves.
Whether they have the words for it or not, people might sometimes feel that their love languages aren’t being communicated to them. Or they may feel that sharing their love with others isn’t received as they intend.
Often the reason for this relates to love languages – the manner and motivators in which we feel the love we receive and how we show or reciprocate it to others. Meaning the love you feel the most is the one you express the most. Or, you might show love to people in a particular language but feel that when receiving love, that same language doesn’t speak to your heart.
That’s what’s always fascinated me about love languages and understanding other people’s languages better. And once you learn to speak those languages to others and identify your own, it can open up a world of opportunities to strengthen relationships of all types.
The Five Love Languages
One’s love languages are usually related to either the type of love they didn’t receive as a child or the type of love they received in abundance and have come to anticipate. Whatever factors or upbringing we had that determined our language(s), they ultimately set the stage for the language of love we seek or need in order to feel loved by those around us.
There are five main languages, and people generally speak one or two of them. While we all more or less have needs that might relate to any or all of these languages, there are usually specific ones that are the most impactful and speak the most love to us.
Sometimes, I’ve noticed from discussing them with people that love languages have specific subsets in how they’re expressed or received. For example, someone with the acts of service language might specifically show love by cooking for people, taking care in crafting them a delicious meal, and being a good host. Or it might be someone who demonstrates the gift-giving language through means of sending their partner memes throughout the day that they made themselves or saw and thought of them.
I’ve also noticed a difference in how people’s languages are applied. Some people share the same love language they desire, meaning they anticipate others to reciprocate the same language they speak. And some people have a love language they need to hear to feel loved and a different language they speak to others to show love in return, such as someone who likes to give gifts but is uncomfortable receiving them.
Acts of Service
Acts of service is the love language where one feels loved when people do things for them, especially actions showing an extra level of awareness concerning their needs. This language is also expressed by those who like to show others they care by finding things to do for them to make them happy. And it includes actions one notices that’d be helpful, like hearing a partner or friend mention something they need to do and aren’t looking forward to.
For example, this might include filling your partner’s car with gas if you notice it’s almost empty or making them coffee in the morning to help them wake up. It can also involve your partner taking care of a chore you despise or perhaps taking on a task they remember was on your to-do list.
There are so many ways of speaking this language. The key to remember here is that acts of service involve thoughtful actions for people that make them feel cared for, loved, and even seen.
Gift-Giving
Gift-giving involves, of course, gifts. I’ve found that this can go either way; you feel love when you receive something from someone or when someone’s face lights up after you give them a thoughtful gift. Or, you fall into both camps.
This love language doesn’t have to involve expensive gifts; it can be something as simple as a friend finding a cool rock and giving it to you because they saw it and thought of you or know you REALLY like cool-looking rocks.
Speaking this language to others might involve gifting them something you made yourself with your own time, energy, and hands for another person or a partner. It can also include drawing a picture for someone, bringing them fresh flowers, food, or even seeds from your garden, buying them that book they’ve wanted to read, or getting something you saw that reminded you of them.
Like acts of service and most of the other languages (if not all of them), for someone to feel love through this language, meaningfulness is important. For example, I have a friend with this love language who loves unicorns, so whenever I see something with a unicorn on it, I get it for her and surprise her when I see her. If you’re trying to speak this language to someone who feels loved by it, getting them a gift just for the sake of it more than likely might not land as well as you intend.
As long as it’s from the heart and connects on some personal level, you can’t go wrong with speaking this language! And if this is your love language (or you’re deciphering if it is), you will know the feeling of being gifted something someone put thought into, just as well as the feeling of receiving a gift given as an afterthought.
Physical Touch
Physical touch involves receiving love through physical contact, which is a universal human need to a degree at all stages of life. We’re hard-wired for skin-to-skin contact, and depending on the type of culture you live in, you may be touch-starved without realizing it.
This love language can be as simple as a long hug, holding hands and cuddling, or your partner raking their fingers through your hair. (*ahh, head scritches*)
It includes massaging your partner’s achy feet, patting them lovingly on the back, or kissing them on the cheek. It can even be keeping some kind of physical contact with a partner while you both work on separate tasks in bed, like touching shoulders or laying your legs across each other.
While it can include sex, it’s important to note that not everyone with this love language automatically includes sexual intimacy in their definition of this language. In other words, a person might enjoy sex but may not receive the same level of love from sex as they might from their partner showing love by touching their hand or giving them a back rub.
For some, physical touch can sometimes be overwhelming, especially for those with sensory issues related to touch or someone with sexual trauma. And it can include asexual people who still desire physical touch but do not desire sex.
Quality Time
Speaking the language of quality time means feeling love while spending meaningful time and presence with someone. For those who identify with this love language, you probably really enjoy spending time with people and engaging with them directly, be it a friend, partner, or family member. You value your time and theirs, and you more than likely feel that sharing time with others is, in an abstract way, like exchanging gifts.
Generally, this involves sharing an interactive presence with someone you’re talking with or sharing in an activity. But just like physical touch, it can even include simply being in each other’s presence and doing separate tasks together.
Quality time doesn’t have to be an expensive outing. You and your partner might play different video games on separate consoles, or you play games while the other reads or does something else. Or you might prefer a picnic at the park with the food you made together rather than eating out at a fancy, expensive restaurant.
Words of Affirmation
Last but not least, the language of words of affirmation is all about verbal validation and reassurance.
It involves feeling loved when you feel affirmed when verbally told things like “I love you” or when someone calls you beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful, or another positive attribute. It can include someone telling you “good job,” or that you excel at the things you do, and so on. Especially when they provide positive feedback and specifics about how or what you’ve done well.
When speaking this language, a person might be sure to tell others the things they admire about them or tell them they enjoy their company. They might say “love you” to everyone, family and friends, when they say goodbye when departing or hanging up the phone.
Moreover, for people who anticipate this language, if they’re in a relationship where their partner says they love them less and less frequently, it can cause the person to feel like their partner no longer loves them. And on the flip side, it can also mean that when people say negative things, come off as overly critical, or invalidate a concern, it can even feel like they’re stripping love and acceptance away from them.
This particular language has a greater capacity to seep into relationships in a way the others might not. For example, you might not expect physical interaction or quality time out of a manager or other professional relationship. But there’s a difference between a superior telling you that you did a great job and telling you that you can’t do anything right. That can be the difference between feeling respected or validated and feeling devasted or worthless.
Circling back to how our upbringing affects our love languages, consider if your parents invalidated you and your needs growing up or if they criticized every little thing you did. In response, you might seek verbal affirmation from partners and others. Or, if they frequently told they were proud of you, or spoke openly and constructively about both your mistakes and successes, you might’ve grown up to expect similar validations from your other relationships.
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Speaking Love Languages in My Own Life
After learning about love languages and reflecting on mine and those of the people in my life, I learned a lot about myself and them. And as a result, I improved my relationships with the people I love.
I credit my relationship of nine years with my partner to understanding our love languages and having open communication with each other, especially if we aren’t meeting each other’s needs.
For example, his love languages are acts of service and quality time. So, since I tend to be messy and he’s the exact opposite, I try to take extra care to keep things tidy and organized, so he doesn’t feel overwhelmed by a mess. (Though I struggle with this one.) And I make sure to set aside time in the evening after he’s gotten home from work to make dinner together and watch something while we eat before settling down for bed.
I discovered that one of my love languages is physical touch. Coming from an Italian family, physical affection was common for us growing up, from kisses on the cheek to back rubs as we fell asleep watching a movie on the couch. So for me, physical touch as my love language developed from the abundance I received as a kid. As an adult now, when my partner gives me a massage or rubs my hand as he holds it while we drive, I can literally feel love being rubbed right into my very bones.
My other love language is words of affirmation, which stems from what I lacked as a child and much of my life. As a kid growing up with undiagnosed ADHD and ASD, I encountered endless verbal criticism or even disdain from literally everyone, adults and peers alike.
I’ve been verbally bullied by people my entire life, including students and teachers in school when I was a kid and by coworkers and managers at work as an adult. Even family has always found ways to comment on how I looked, what my interests were/are, and the choices I’ve made in how I live or what I do with my time.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to set boundaries and uphold them when people verbally mistreat me. Especially talking to other adults. Now, if someone verbally mistreats me, talks down to me, or raises their voice, I stand up for myself and speak out. And I don’t keep reoffenders of this in my life.
But it’s not all bad, and not everyone talks to me like that! I have found myself blessed with a partner, friends, family, and, more recently, colleagues, who all actively speak this love language to me.
My partner frequently reminds me that he loves me and calls me cute or beautiful. Even years later, he remembers the things I say because he listens to me intently. My friends frequently tell me how important spending time with me is to them and that they enjoy my company and our conversations. I have family who acknowledges my wins, no matter how small.
And I find myself lucky to work somewhere where my boss and colleagues remind me that I am doing a spectacular job, that I’m good at what I do, and that they receive positive feedback from other people about me. Moreover, even when I make mistakes, I’m told in a way that highlights where I messed up while explaining how to improve in the future, allowing me to learn from my mistakes and grow!
So, I am fortunate to have my languages of love spoken so much to me.
The Importance of Practicing Love Languages
I first learned about the concept of love languages several years ago. I came across a post where the wife discussed how she felt her marriage was deteriorating and how understanding love languages saved the relationship.
She thought her marriage was failing because her husband stopped verbally saying, “I love you” to her. Because words of affirmation were one of her love languages, she started thinking this meant her husband didn’t love her anymore. But she didn’t understand the concept of love languages at this time, so she didn’t know how to communicate her needs.
When she reached a breaking point, she expressed her frustration to her husband, who didn’t even realize that there was a problem in their relationship. After that discussion, she noticed he started frequently grabbing her hand throughout the day and squeezing three times to say “I love you” because his love language was physical touch, and that’s how he spoke love. He showed her that he was thinking about her all the time.
This not only introduced me to the idea of love languages, but it also showed how sometimes people either might not think to or be able to speak our own languages to us, but they still show us love in their own way. It’s a matter of awareness and effort. We can have different love languages and still find ways to express love to each other.
That story wasn’t suggesting the husband is incapable of verbally saying “I love you” to his wife, but more so showed how being aware of our love languages and expressing our needs to others can improve or create new dynamics in any relationship. The wife in that anecdote I read voiced concern about not feeling loved by her partner, who then immediately found a way to address that concern, and their relationship strengthened as a result.
Love languages are all about communication and connection with the people we love and how they love us in return. So, reflect on how you feel most loved and how you express love the most. Discover what speaks to you. Then, talk with the important people in your life about what your love languages are and how they might speak them to you. And find out what theirs are and how you can communicate love to them in response.
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