Pushing Past the Pain

* Content Warning *

This piece covers a personal account of a domestic violence survivor talking about her trauma and resulting pain. Therefore, it discusses what may be considered graphic content to some readers.

Foreword

To begin, this is a multi-part series of writings that I’ve made a part of my healing process after I was raped and nearly murdered eight years ago.

Consequently, I hope that by sharing some of the stories of my experiences, I might encourage more people to reach out to loved ones who may be going through similar trauma.

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What My Pain is Like

Brief intervals occur between the pain of a thousand tiny knives stabbing my uterus. It seems the only way to forget the pain in one part of the body is to feel it in another way – TEN FOLD!

My worst fear is here! Maybe my fear manifested this chronic pain, or maybe it’s life’s way of checking me, either way… I knew better than to keep letting him hit me. I KNEW BETTER!

But, when you feel empty inside, and dark thoughts dominate your mind, you will keep going back to the arms of the one who nearly broke your neck and had you on crutches that one holiday season when you’re family had given up on you. I remember running to the road once, screaming “help” in broad daylight, but the cars just kept passing me by…

Five years later and I struggled for the past two years to find a doctor who cared. For example, one nurse practitioner told me that I was just “getting old.”

Now I know from imaging and tests that these are not just emotional scars, but I will live with this pain forever. As a result, I need two discs replaced in my spine.

Moving Forward

I was brave enough to leave him after almost three years by putting 1500 miles between us when I moved here. I’m still tormented by abuse after senseless abuse but now it’s mostly in my sleep.

Then I wake up, cry, try and forget but there is the constant reminder that the burning pain in my shoulder is from a bulging disc in my neck from the time he drove me to the hospital out of fear that he had broken my neck.

Then I turn over and have to get up like an old lady because of the bulging disc in my lower back. So period pains, you are a blip of a nuisance in my everyday struggle. If it weren’t for cannabis, I would not be here right now.

A lone wolf licking her wounds and taking life one fragile day at a time.

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This concludes the first part of my series on how I have had to (and continue to) deal with the trauma and pain of my past.

Check back if you would like to see how my healing process is going.

– Amber

You can now read Part Two of Amber’s series here.

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If you are in an abusive relationship please reach out to someone you trust to help you get out of that situation. If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services.

In addition you can call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

If you are in Nevada, you can dial 2-1-1 as well.

We understand that it can be scary to be stuck with an abuser, especially during this pandemic. But you are not alone, and you don’t have to suffer alone or in silence.

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