Parents Day
July 25th is Parents’ Day! In honor of this holiday, I wanted to write about the experiences of parents. So, I interviewed three moms to ask them about what parenting is like, how the pandemic affected that, and about the misconceptions people might have about parenting.
Danielle Ginder
Mom of 3, Danielle Ginder had her first child, who’s now seven years old, at 20 years old. She’s also a mom to a four-year-old and just gave birth to her third child two months ago.
Parenting Styles
Living with her boyfriend and the father of her children, Ginder shared that their parenting styles are rather similar, and it depends on the situation, as she can be more strict while her boyfriend can be more relaxed.
“They are still little, though, so we don’t have many rules and just want them to have fun,” she said. “As long as they are respectful and have manners, that’s all I care about.”
Challenges of Parenthood
On what challenges her the most, Ginder reports that fatigue is a big one for her.
“I’m always tired, but I have to keep going through my day because my littles need me present,” she explained. “I have to remember always to try to keep my patience and remember I’m not perfect, but I’m doing the best I can.”
To overcome this challenge, she said she reminds herself that her babies will only be little for a short amount of time.
“I need to soak up every one of these moments I have with them,” she said.
Parenting During the Pandemic
Ginder mentioned a couple of things she dealt with throughout the pandemic. For one, she went from working out of the home to being a full-time stay-at-home-mom. Now, she’s only able to work a few hours a day from home. With a new baby in the house, this adds to that difficulty.
“I think that people can sometimes assume ‘oh you just have to stay home and hang out with your kids’,” she said. She then explained how it’s not like that at all. “I’m also a full-time housekeeper, cook, and whatever else needs to be done at my home or for my kids. I know it’s been said so many times that this is a full-time job, and it is.”
She added that if she didn’t complete the work that needed to be done every day, her household would fall apart.
“Even with that said, my life is not over because I had kids; it’s just different, and that’s ok!” she said. Aside from becoming a SAHM, Ginder briefly spoke of the pandemic’s effects on her kids having to stay inside all day.
“I know that my kids are frustrated and confused about not having their friends to play with as often,” she said.
A Misconception About Parenting
Discussing things people without children might be unaware of, Ginder said that she believes most people know that parenting means taking care of another person’s needs 24/7, but they don’t grasp that concept fully.
“Until you actually become a parent, I don’t think people realize how much your life actually changes,” she said. “You can’t always do basic things that you want or need to do, [including] showering, relaxing, sleeping, [and so on].”
Toughing it Out
Ultimately, being a parent is an everyday challenge. But it’s also one that can be very rewarding, especially when you look back on what you’ve accomplished.
Ginder concluded by saying that being a parent is the toughest thing she’s ever had to do.
“But, it is really amazing to me what I manage to do every day and still keep going even through hard times.”
Sarah Tipton
Mother of two young boys, Sarah Tipton, 24, had her first son, who is now three years old when she was 21. The youngest is one but turns two next month.
Parenting Styles
Compared to her husband, Tipton shared that in terms of parenting style, she’s usually softer with discipline and in her general parenting style.
“I try not to use any physical punishment and instead find a punishment that correlates to the action,” she said. “If he throws his food, he picks it up; if he hits, he gets a time out and has to apologize to who he hit. Stuff like that.”
She said she also tries to act gentle with her sons in everyday situations, such as handling their frustrations and disappointments. “A soft approach helps him control his emotions better,” she said.
Tipton added that she and her husband work together to improve their parenting styles.
“He’s a lot more willing to get physical since that’s what he grew up with. So he’s actively working on that, but he’s mostly at work, so he doesn’t get as much practice,” she said. “He relies on me a lot to help guide and help him to do things correctly because he’s trying to break cycles like that as well.”
Challenges of Parenthood
Tipton reported that her biggest challenge involves regulating her emotions while teaching her kids to do the same.
“Every day, I try to remember they’re learning and sometimes learn in a way that can be frustrating, and I have to control my emotional state and learn how to handle all sorts of situations on the fly and handle it properly, or at least try to,” she said. “It’s not always easy.”
To overcome this challenge, she shared that she spends a lot of time learning how to self-regulate, just like she teaches her kids.
“Deep breaths are a big one; sometimes I have to walk away from a situation and with how young my kids are. By the time I come back, I just have to let it go,” she said. “As much as you can love your children, they can frustrate you to your breaking point and past that, and if you weren’t taught as a child by your parents how to regulate yourself, it’s going to be a daily battle.”
Parenting During the Pandemic
Already a stay-at-home mom, Tipton said that she now spends even more time indoors managing her kids.
“[I’m] nervous about taking them out and risk getting sick, so it gets very overwhelming and repetitive,” she said. To overcome these challenges, she reports that tablets became a “must” in order to help her manage her other tasks in the house.
“I made sure that they played learning games, so for them, learning became fun, and they ended up playing games with puzzles, shapes, letters, and numbers,” she said. “Both have a great head start for preschool and kindergarten.”
Tipton also said that her family hiked a lot to help burn off the energy not spent being at home all day. This helped a lot since they didn’t live in a place with a yard at the time.
Lastly, she also shared that her family also dealt with COVID-19 at one point, with the whole household assumed to have had it. While her husband and youngest didn’t were asymptomatic, she, her oldest, and her mother all tested positive. She reports that she had the worst of it out of everyone, while her son experience hives for a couple of days. Though, he was able to function well throughout it.
Misconceptions About Parenting
Tipton explained that as a stay-at-home mom, people constantly assume that SAHM parents are lazy and sit around all day. “In reality, we do the equivalent of 2.5 full-time jobs,” she said.
(A 2018 study conducted by Welch’s found working moms clock an average of 98 hours each week. That’s about the same as working 2.5 full-time jobs. [Source])
Discipline-wise, Tipton spoke about how too many people think if you don’t spank or hit your child, you’re letting them get away with stuff.
“They forget as an adult we don’t get hit, so the best option is giving real consequences like if they spill water, they clean it up,” she said. “This is the same consequence an adult would have, so therefore it’s going to teach them the same without physically hurting them.”
Every Situation is Different
Tipton concluded by saying that every parent parents a little differently, and that’s okay as most parents are trying to do the best they can.
“We’re trying to tread through our own traumas as well as raise healthy kids, and it’s a lot,” she said. “Be open to new ideas and find what works best for your family and work with it.”
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Elesa Aracely Velasquez Vega
Mother of three children, ages six, four, and two, Elesa Velasquez Vega, now 27, had her first child when she was 19. All three of her children have different fathers, who were 20, 40, and 21, respectively, when the children were born. Vega is now engaged to the father of her son, with their wedding planned for October 15th, 2022.
Parenting Style
Vega explained that she’s a very free parent, style-wise. “I let my kids make mistakes to learn and teach them that if they fall, depending on the fall, I don’t run to catch them,” she said. “I want them to be independent but also know I’m there for them.”
Vega also shared how she teaches her children how to be helpful, saying that she sets age-appropriate chores for her children, even her two-year-old.
“I want them to know things in life aren’t free and learn how to clean up after their own mess,” she said. “I’m big on working hard for what you want and cleaning up after yourself.”
With each of her children having a different father, she has to co-parent with their different styles.
“The father of my son is on the same page as me, and we agree on pretty much everything. My daughters both have their dads, who they live with. My four-year-old’s dad is very cautious, and I feel like my daughter is very “babied” by him and his mom,” she said, explaining that they let the daughter talk back to them. “When I see this happening, I put a stop to it right away; she can be very feisty.”
With her four-year-old’s dad, Vega reports they are great at co-parenting and never have a problem. However, with her six-year-old’s dad, his style is different in that he lets his mother and grandma do all the thinking for him.
“For example, they do not want her to paint her nails because they believe that’s for older girls, nor can she play with make-up,” she explained. “I believe there’s no harm in letting her. On the other hand, my four-year-old’s family agrees with me on this one.”
Challenges of Parenthood
For Vega, the most significant challenge of parenthood so far was dealing with addiction while trying to parent her oldest child.
“Not only am I a parent to three children with different dads, but I’m also a recovering addict with almost three years clean this October,” she said. Given that history, she explained that her main struggle has been trying to co-parent with her six-year-old’s father.
“He still has hurt and resentment towards me for when I was using,” she explained.
Another challenge that she faced during that time involved not seeing her daughters for a year and not being able to form a relationship with them after they were born. On top of this, both of their fathers also went to jail for a while. As a result, the daughters had to stay with their grandparents during that time.
“It’s been three years since I’ve been back after being gone for a year, and I would say things are getting better now,” she said. “After I had my son, I put myself in a program, and then a month later, I came back in the girls’ life for good.”
Despite the improvements over the years, Vega says that her ex still has trouble letting her help with certain things related to their daughter. This includes taking her to doctor or dentist appointments. Up until just recently, the father took her to those himself.
“I’ve been asking for two years now and finally going to be able to this month,” she said. “I noticed in just the last month he’s been nicer and more okay with my daughter staying with me for almost a whole week every other week. And, he said I could take her to her doctor’s appointment.”
Vega added that she recently found out that her oldest’s father and his girlfriend broke up around the same time he started acting nicer to her. Because of this correlation, she feels that the two things are related.
In overcoming the obstacles she faces, Vega said that she takes it one day at a time.
“I tell myself I’m trying my very best to be the mom [my daughters] deserve,” she said. For help and support, she added that she reaches out to her daughter’s grandma, with whom she’s very close, to ask questions and talk about everything, both parenting and personal.
“I’ll also call my grandma from my mother’s side for parenting advice,” she added. “I’ve learned from past mistakes that it’s okay to ask for help; do not keep it in.”
Parenting During the Pandemic
One of the biggest challenges Vega dealt with during the pandemic was not seeing her four-year-old daughter, who was two at the time the shutdowns started. With that daughter’s family being very cautious, she wasn’t able to spend the night for at least two months.
In contrast, her other daughter’s family allowed her to spend the night but wasn’t allowed to accompany Vega on errands or to the store.
A Misconception About Parenting
Regarding something people might not understand about her situation, Vega shared that although no one explicitly says anything about it, she often feels judged that her daughters don’t live with her.
“I know what’s best,” she said. She expressed that as long as her girls are happy and healthy, she sees no problem with them living with their fathers.
“When I see them, I ask them if they like the way things are,” she added, explaining that she tries to make sure they spend equal time with herself and their fathers.
Don’t Lose Yourself
Vega concluded by saying that she wants people without children looking to have children in the future to know not to lose themselves in the process.
“You need me-time and date night with your significant other, without the children. Alex and I have been together for four years at the end of this year, and after having our son, we never went anywhere without him,” she said. “Now that my mom is out of prison, and she takes him to spend the night with her, and it feels so good to go out with my soon-to-be husband and enjoy each other’s company again with no responsibility for just a second.”
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