Saying Goodbye to a Best Friend – CW: Pet passing.
Recently, I made a tough decision and said goodbye to Dolly Anna–my dog and best friend of over 11 years. Her last day with us, April 10th, 2022, was the most painful day of my entire life thus far.
Though the grief has softened, it still hurts so much that she’s gone. That first two weeks after we said goodbye, I would wake up throughout the night expecting her there on the floor next to the bed, and she wasn’t. There are days when her absence feels so heavy, or a song that reminds me of her comes on, and I start crying. But, I’ve taken it day by day, and in turn, Dolly continues to bless my life even after her passing.
Catching COVID immediately after her passing made it hard to deal with the grieving process, and then I started a new job, so it’s been challenging to sit down and write all this, but I finally did. So, to honor her legacy, I want to share a bit about this amazing dog who stood by my side for over a decade and how she continues to stand by me.
Dolly: My First Dog
Ms. Dolly Anna was with me for nearly half my life, and we went through everything together. I adopted her in 2010 after moving back to Vegas to live with my mom. I’d never had a dog before but always wanted one, so I asked her to let me one, and she let me so long as I was entirely responsible for them. We spent a month or two meeting dogs at the shelter and adoption events, not feeling like we’d made the right connection. That is until I met Dolly, formerly known as Nikki.
She was a three-year-old Australian Shepherd and Border Collie mix who was an owner surrender at the Animal Foundation. The shelter said she was a long-hair dalmatian, which is a thing, but that’s not was she was.
She was a white dog with black spots and freckles all over and dreads behind her ears, which she already had when I got her. When I went to take her out of the kennel for the meet and greet, she was so excited to see me. It seemed as if she’d been waiting for me and was like, “There you are! I knew you’d come!”
I walked her around and then sat on a bench where she sat next to me with her head leaned against my leg, looking up at me lovingly. We instantly hit it off. So on October 24th, 2010, I brought her home.
We started doing everything together, like running in the morning, hiking at Red Rock and Mount Charleston, and camping in Cathedral Gorge with the family. We also frequented the dog park after she got some socialization training and had two best friends we’d meet at the park regularly–Bowser and Odin, two unrelated huskies, and the dogs of my two different close friends. We’d all meet at the park for the dogs to play with each other every week.
She also went with me to California whenever I visited my dad, so she also got to experience the beach, the mountains, and more. She lived a fun, happy, active life with lots of love and adventure.
When Age Starts Catching Up
Unfortunately, just a few short years after getting her, Dolly began developing health problems in 2013, when she was about six or seven years old.
She started going blind after she formed cataracts and retinal atrophy, both of which were hereditary ailments of her breed types. But she took it in stride and never let blindness get in her way or change her personality.
She always kept her calm, kind, and sweet demeanor the entire time I knew her. But unfortunately, as she got older, she enjoyed fewer things than she did in earlier days, like hiking and playing at the dog park.
Both of these things became less enjoyable for her as she lost her sight. As she aged, she developed other issues like high blood pressure, arthritis, and hip dysplasia that made it difficult for her to even go on short walks. In her golden days, she mostly lazed about, enjoying being close to her people, napping, and eating food – a favorite pastime to the very end.
We had a few health scares over the years where we thought she was close to her time, but she always pulled through and got better. People would tell me it was because of how much she loved me, which always gave me mixed feelings. On the one hand, I was honored by the thought, but on the other, I was worried if I was being selfish by keeping her alive if she was in pain or not enjoying life anymore.
It didn’t help that at one point a couple of years ago, word got to me that someone said I was “torturing” Dolly by keeping her alive because she was blind and had so many health issues. This news destroyed me for a while. Thankfully I had other friends and family who assured me this wasn’t the case, in addition to her vet, who saw her regularly and told me that Dolly was doing fine.
Still, I spent a long time going back and forth feeling like a horrible person and like everyone felt that way about me too because of all this. I worried a lot about if I was being cruel by keeping her alive, and the thought ate away at me. Some nights I’d lay in bed, unable to sleep because I worried about whether she was okay or if I was causing her undue pain. The thought of having to say goodbye to her was overwhelming, but so was the thought that she might be suffering.
Having more clarity about things now, I realized that the indecision caused me some severe depression and anxiety over the past couple of years (on top of all the other things that feed into that for me).
Making the Decision and Making it the Best Week Ever for Dolly
Despite the reassurances of others and her vet, I didn’t want her to suffer for my sake. So when her health began declining again, and she worsened by the day while visibly fighting on, I decided to set a date.
One night at the beginning of April, while walking around the backyard with her, I felt it so clearly – she was very, very tired. She leaned into me like she did when we first met, looked up at me, and sighed deeply. I knew it was time. Before, when I didn’t know if it was time, I always felt undecided and unsure whether she was giving a sign or if I had imagined it. Not this time, though; the thought came to me, and it was with absolute certainty that she was ready.
So the next week, following that understanding, we made the entire week and her last day extra special.
On the first day, my close friend Brittany and I took her up to the Mt. Charleston meadows and had a picnic. We grabbed Port of Subs on the way up and a bunch of turkey slices for Dolly. We took a bunch of nice pictures in the mountains.
Throughout the week, friends visited, spent some time with her, and said their goodbyes. Others called or FaceTimed to speak with her and tell her how much they loved her. One close friend brought a Polaroid camera for us to take pictures of her!
On that Friday, my sister and I took Dolly to a lovely dog washing place where you wash your dog yourself. So she got to have a nice fancy bath and get a bunch of treats, including a doggy cannoli!
We then walked over to an ice cream place for our own treat, and she got to say hello to some children. After that, I took a long way home and rolled the window down for her as she stuck her face out, letting the wind pass her by with her eyes closed, looking peaceful and happy.
A Celebration of Dolly and Her Life
That Saturday, we threw her a Best Day Ever Party! It was small and intimate, with just family, a couple of close friends, and her best friend, Odin. I made some Dolly-themed rice crispies with white frosting and black spots.
The party was also complete with a specially made dog cake by Paws Off The Table! I want to say a huge thank you to the owner, Natasha, who made her cake and her day extra special. Dolly’s favorite food was french fries (when she could grab them), and Natasha made the most beautiful cake to honor Dolly, which brought me to tears. I cannot thank her enough for making it and for making Dolly such a happy lady over the years with her treats.
The party was nice, and it was lovely to have everyone come out to celebrate her. At one point, though, I started feeling overwhelmed and had to walk away for a bit, so I walked Dolly around the back of the house. Then, I sat down on the ground next to her, nearby where I’d initially felt it was time.
We sat for a bit while I leaned against her and hugged her as tears quietly streamed down my eyes. Rey came to check on me and sat with us for a bit, as did my friend later. Having everyone’s love and support was reassuring. That night Rey and I stayed up late with her and watched 101 Dalmatians–the movie I watched with her the first day I brought her home from the shelter.
Starting the Day Off With Lots of Love
Even though it was a long time coming, I still was not prepared for her last day. I could hardly sleep the night before and didn’t want to wake up the following day. But we eventually got up, and Rey and I made her a special breakfast of bacon and eggs. When my sister arrived at the house, we packed up the car and drove across town to pick up Brittany. We then grabbed food at In N Out and a Puppuccino from Starbucks before heading to a nearby park to enjoy some time in the sun and grass and take pictures with her.
She happily scarfed down her burger and fries and lapped at her drink. I barely ate anything, as I was too busy taking pictures. We then whipped out some paints and canvasses that Brittany brought and dipped Dolly’s paws in paint to get her paw print on the canvasses. It was a fun, messy time. I had also brought a Cuddle Clone of Dolly that I’d recently ordered online and took some nice pictures of her next to it.
After that, it was time. The car ride over was hard for both of us. I feel she sensed something was different about this ride as she got a little nervous and started getting a bit panicky for a moment. I broke down crying as I held and comforted her, clutching her tightly and sobbing into her neck as I petted her and spoke to her.
The Final Hour
As we arrived at the vet’s office, Callie and Brittany went ahead to let the office know we’d arrived. I stayed behind to take some final pictures of me with Dolly in the car and make a couple of final calls for some friends and family to say any last-minute goodbyes.
Because Dolly had trouble walking at this point in her life, I carried her into the store and back to the office. I also felt it was fitting. I was incredibly grateful for my other close friend Nallely keeping me motivated to go to the gym and attend weight classes over the past year, as I wouldn’t have been able to do this just a few months ago. So I got to have this intimate moment with Dolly as I carried her through the PetSmart to the Banfield office almost ceremoniously.
The room was already prepared and ready for us, with dim lights and soft blankets. I laid Dolly in there, and Rey sat with her for a bit while I went to the front to review the procedure and payment with the office.
For those who don’t know, it’s better to deal with this part before rather than after. I picked out a nice urn box for Dolly’s ashes and returned to the room.
Rey was saying his goodbyes to Dolly as we came in and wiped the tears from his face as he stepped out of the room; being in there while it happened would be too much for him to bear.
I would not be alone, though; Callie and Brittany accompanied me into the room. We shared some tearful but fun memories of Dolly as we spoke with her vet, shared a piece of chocolate with her, and gave Dolly lots of pets and kisses.
The vet then went to grab the medication for the procedure and had us say our final goodbyes. Dolly seemed to sense once again something was happening and started getting a bit panicked again. We all reassured her as we cried, hurt by her distress. When she calmed down again, I wrapped my arms around her neck and told her how much I loved her and how grateful I was to have her in my life as I sobbed through the words. After a moment of that release and a lean-in from Dolly against me with another big sigh, I sat back and nodded, letting the vet know I was as ready as I was going to ever be.
Crossing the Rainbow Bridge
The process felt both so slow and quick at the same time. The vet injected the medication, and for a moment, you could tell Dolly felt a little weirded out by the feeling going through her arm. We spoke to her softly and lovingly so she wouldn’t be scared. Then she sat down, gave a great, big yawn, and then laid down with her head down with her paws against me, which I held and pet while we spoke to her. After that, she faded out very slowly.
For those who don’t know, the medication doesn’t make your dog close their eyes and seem to drift off to sleep – they pass on with their eyes open. So with her stethoscope to check and a solemn nod, the vet confirmed when Dolly’s heart had stopped beating.
I let out a great sob as the pain poured out of me. Callie and Brittany held my hands as they cried as well. After a little while, I laid myself over Dolly as the last of my tears fell. It wouldn’t be the last time I’d cry over her, but the last time physically at her side.
Before her vet carried her away, we had Rey bring in the canvasses from earlier and added a few more of Dolly’s paw prints to them. I had always let Dolly keep her dreads that grew behind her ears, so we clipped those off to preserve them. After that, we cleaned everything up and left. I gave the rest of the Dolly-themed rice crispies to her vet and the nursing staff.
Closing Out the Day
Afterward, we all went for a hike at First Creek, one of the places I used to always take Dolly to. Then, we came back and got tacos for dinner. It was a lovely way to end the day.
I was so thankful not to be alone this day, as my sister played the best music for every part of the trip, Brittany provided close comfort in my most vulnerable moments, and Rey took care of everything else. All of them accompanied me this entire day, and I am forever grateful to them for it and everyone else who came out to comfort Dolly and me that week. I absolutely couldn’t have done this without everyone’s love and support.
Processing the Grief of Dolly No Longer Being There
It’s been two months since we said goodbye, and not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and miss her being there. Yet, sometimes I still feel her there with me. She visits me in the songs I hear and in moments of solitude when she runs through my memories.
Adjusting without her around was difficult. She was so ingrained in my daily routine and how my day went. Sometimes I found myself unsure of what to do with myself. I’d walk outside in the morning and just stand there staring into space, practically out of habit from taking her potty in the morning.
There was an emptiness in the house and my heart. It feels weird to say, but that emptiness felt heavy. I slept late the days following, not wanting to wake up. But when I slept, I slept restlessly, waking up throughout the night and then unable to get back to sleep for a while.
When I was awake, I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t care to, so I spent much of my days either playing Pokemon or Solitaire or streaming shows and movies, essentially dissociating from everything around me. However, it’s hard to tell how much related to us catching COVID right after Dolly’s passing, which I’ll talk about more shortly.
At the same time (and it also feels weird to say this), her passing felt like a weight had been lifted off me, which sounds contradictory; this duality of heaviness and weightlessness. But as I spoke with my sister about it, she reminded me that while I loved Dolly, it was hard for me the past few years having to deal with her health issues so much and being in this constant state of stress about her health. Knowing that she wasn’t in pain anymore and not having to worry about her quality of life diminishing was relieving while simultaneously so painful because of her absence.
Grief is such an odd thing, isn’t it? I’m not even entirely sure if I’ve processed all of it yet, as I’ve realized that I tend to deal with grief in a weird, compartmentalized way.
Moreover, a few days after we said goodbye, my family and I caught COVID. So we didn’t leave the house or see anyone besides each other for two weeks, and we all were fatigued and sick. I slept a lot and stayed in bed most of the day for about a week and a half. That said, things worked out by allowing me the time to rest while I was mentally and emotionally recovering from the experience, working out things personally with myself and my family.
In addition, I started a new job that same week and tested positive the day before I started. They understood the situation and let me work remotely until I felt better. This provided me with some unofficial bereavement time while I onboarded at a steady pace and didn’t feel overwhelmed or anxious by everything. I am very grateful to them for everything they did to accommodate me so that I felt refreshed and prepared when I was COVID-free and ready to start the job they hired me for.
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A New Chapter in Life
As time passed, the days got a bit easier and the pain a bit more bearable. However, I still have moments where I feel Dolly with me, and I will suddenly feel tears in my eyes. When that happens, I honor her presence and thank her for all her blessings. Of which she’s truly been generous.
A few weeks after her passing, I had a dream where Dolly communicated with me that I needed another dog in my life. But, more than that, I needed a dog to help me rediscover myself in the way I had when I got her all those years ago.
The first few years I had her were the active, most on-point years of my life where I had self-discipline and took good care of myself. In recent years, though, the stress of caring for her and my mom (both disabled) simultaneously, combined with the stress of the pandemic and everything else, had completely eroded me. I’ve felt barely functional for quite some time, but I didn’t realize how bad it was until recently. I needed help pulling myself out of this trench I’ve felt stuck in.
Through that dream, she left me with the pure surety of this need, the mental picture of another Australian shepherd and the name Athena.
The next day I spoke with Rey and my mom about this epiphany. We hadn’t planned on getting another dog this soon and were actually considering adopting a cat (which we still plan on at some point).
I expressed I’d never felt so sure about something, and if you know me, you know I suffer from severe decision paralysis. I was so relieved to have everyone’s support in this decision. Rey told me he was there for me for whatever I needed. My mom told me that she genuinely felt that Dolly was grateful for her life with us and knew I would give another dog a wonderful life.
My sister and closest friends also supported my decision. This was an extra relief as I feared people would judge me for getting another dog so soon or think I was replacing Dolly when that absolutely was not the case. I was so touched by their validation.
The next day, I began looking online for dogs. At first, I left the search pretty broad, seeking young dogs in the area. None of them jumped out the way Dolly had when I saw her on the Animal Foundation’s website years ago. I began searching up Australian shepherd rescues in Las Vegas but still felt like I wasn’t finding the dog Dolly seemed to be leading me to. That probably sounds weird, but when you know, you know. And I sure knew for certain when it happened as she blessed me with another serendipitous affirming sign.
After looking in Las Vegas, I decided on a whim to check out Southern California. I have family out there that I drive to visit all the time, so I don’t mind the drive if it’s close. So I searched for Aussie rescues up there. And almost immediately, out in Bakersfield, CA, I found her.
Miss Athena
There she was on the first page–this beautiful little girl, an 8-week-old Australian shepherd mix already named Athena.
I caught my breath. What were the odds? There was no way this was just a coincidence. I’d assumed I’d just find a dog that resonated with me that I would name Athena. I did not expect to find the exact dog–name and all–that Dolly had presented to me in my dream. I felt Dolly was leading me to this dog in my mind and soul. I’ve never experienced a more serendipitous feeling in my life. I felt enveloped by a wave of love and guidance that had taken me to the exact spot I needed to be right now. I’d felt so lost after saying goodbye to Dolly, but she found a way to pull me out of that darkness.
Still, I didn’t want to get my hopes up; a dog like this isn’t without a hoard of inquiries.
Nevertheless, I took the leap of faith and reached out to the lady fostering her and answered the lifestyle questions. I conceded that whether I got her or not, this was at the very least sign that I was correct in my decision to look for another dog to welcome into my life.
Either she was intended to be mine, and I’d be selected for her, or she was simply a sign that everything I felt was real. Again, Dolly pulled me on one specific path.
The next day, the lady called me and told me she had been looking for someone like my family and me for Athena. As expected, she’d received numerous inquiries, but none that fit her needs. People with small apartments, no yard, and people who were retired were the only ones who’d reached out so far. By contrast, we have a big yard for her to run around in, we’re active and available enough to exercise and train her, and there is always someone at home.
The lady told me that Athena was mine if I wanted her. I couldn’t believe it!
We spent the next few days preparing for her arrival, and Rey and I drove up to get her on May 1st. She sat in my lap while I petted and sang to her the entire drive back, as we all bonded in the car together.
The day after we brought her home, I watched Disney movies the whole day with her. The first one she watched was Lady and the Tramp, which she immediately fell in love with.
Dogs Are a Girl’s Best Friend
Athena’s lived with us for a month and a half now, and she’s such a joy in our lives. I love seeing her personality blossom as she grows, and it warms my heart when some of her quirks remind me of Dolly (like having a love of butter to the point of willingly attempting to grab the tray on the counter).
I also love how she is very much her own dog. While Dolly was a quiet, refined lady, Athena is loud and proud. I jokingly tell people, “She’s in her war phase right now; the wisdom phase will come later.”
She expresses her feelings very vocally, whether it’s a happy howl of excitement at us returning home or her angry arguing when she’s being told no. She likes to argue, especially with me, which is so funny I have to keep from laughing when she does it. You’d almost think she’s part husky with how much she talks! She says, “Hewo!” when we come home, and I’m convinced she’s saying “hello” to us. She is the funniest thing ever, and I love her so much.
In the short time she’s been in our lives, Athena’s brought so much light and joy into my life. Being a dog parent again brings me incredible happiness. She’s already started making me a better person, getting me up early and encouraging me to get to bed earlier. We also cook at home more now because we cook her dinner to put with her kibble and enjoy being around her. In addition, we spend more time outside and inadvertently step away from our various screens more frequently. Now that she’s fully vaccinated, we take her for walks every day and soon introduce her to hiking!
I’m so grateful for Dolly gifting her to me. I know she is still there watching over me and that she is guiding Athena. I don’t know what I’d do without them, and I can’t even fathom what my life would be like without either of them gracing me with their presence.
